The straw that hunched the Laama's back

Alex and Grant are participating in different versions of a 'coke diet'. Grant is giving up drinking coke (for those of you who don't know Grant, Coke is really the liquid version of sausage pizza to him) and Alex is going to do coke (and smoke cigarettes). Grant has only been on his diet for 2 days, but he's discovered that drinking water makes you pee (apparently more than drinking Coke). It's too bad he doesn't have the Camel's ability to store the excess water in a hump because he's losing productivity by going to the bathroom so much. Alex, being of Camel/Llama decent, has been mutated to have the Camel's ability to store food/water/beer in humps (his stomach and humped-back formerly misdiagnosed as bad posture). However, he obviously uses the mutation to be less productive and to lay on couches for entire Sundays without moving. Both diets do have their merits...Grant will be healthier for giving up coke and Alex will get skinner, possibly lose his humps and become more productive. The nice thing for Alex is that his New Year's resolution is to always drink his beverage through a straw. This means he will need to carry a few extra straws around since beer is usually served without straw. So, he can use those extra straws for doing coke as long as the coke is in powdered form.

Cocaine has several forms similar to those of salt or sugar, so it's funny that we haven't seen coke cubes, coke canes (not to be confused with cocaine), coke packets or coke licks. Coke licks is a great idea to make hunting deer more sporting. The difficulty of gunning down a deer on cocaine at 50 yards has to be greater than gunning down a sober deer. But, I guess once it crashed you could probably walk up to it and shoot it. A deer's heart rate can be as high as 265 beats a minute when a wolf howls, so its heart would really be racing after a few hits from the coke lick and hearing a gun shot...actually the deer's heart may burst on the spot or a simple "Boo" might be enough for the kill. Killing a coked up deer by scaring it would result in a very rizzy deer head mount.

In the long run, though, giving deer coke wouldn't result in yielding much venison and it might contain some weird deer VD since the does would start whoring themselves out to get their next hit. That's just what cocaine does to females.

Also, when was the first straw placed in a beverage and why? I don't see any straws in Da Vinci's The Last Supper.
Current Last Supper

Placing the straw in the painting clarifies its message and shows the significance of the straw.
Actually Last Supper

It's really Jesus' gift to mankind (it's much easier to wrap than dying for our sins) and Jesus was a carpenter and the straw is akin to the hammer. You could push nails into wood but that is a lot of work for the hands...enter the hammer and the hands have much less work to do. The straw offers similar simplification for the hands. When eating, your hands have to hold your knife and fork (or pizza and fries). One of these items must be dropped when getting a drink...enter the straw and your hands simply have to hold your food and you just bend 30 degrees to get a drink (or 5 degrees if your Alex, the evolution of the lazy man). Also, the straw has the ablity to spit in gravity's eye by simply putting your finger over one end of it. That's Jesus' type of magic.

Anyway, straws are pretty rizzy and it's to bad they are associated to the word "suck". As the dictionary verb definition, straws do suck, but as slang they don't. I think a new word should be used to describe how the straw operates...I don't think rizzy fits...maybe straw should have a verb form...I imagine the verb form of straw used in the following conversation...
"Do you suck your beverage through a straw?"
"No, I straw my beverage through a straw."
"Indeed. I do do that as well"